The Essentials

So, you’ve decided to revamp your wardrobe and look like you actually care about your appearance? Congratulations! Here’s a foolproof guide to selecting those “essentials” you absolutely can’t live without. Buckle up; it’s going to be a wild ride.

The Classic White Tee

First up, the classic white tee. You know, the one that every single person on the planet owns? It’s like a blank canvas—if that canvas had been used to wipe spaghetti sauce off a plate. Make sure you get a few because nothing says “I have my life together” like multiple slightly stained, wrinkled tees.

Jeans That Fit (Sort Of)

Next, you’ll need a pair of jeans. But not just any jeans—make sure they’re the kind that fit perfectly in the store but somehow transform into a constricting torture device by the time you get to brunch. You want that sweet spot where you can barely breathe but still look “effortlessly stylish.” Who needs comfort when you have fashion, right? Just please not second-pair-of-skin skinny.

The “Statement” Piece

Ah yes, the “statement” piece. This is usually an oversized blazer that makes you look like you borrowed it from your dad’s closet. It’s perfect for making bold claims about your personality while you awkwardly sip your overpriced latte. Just remember, it needs to be loud enough that people don’t notice the existential crisis brewing underneath.

Shoes That Hurt

What’s a wardrobe without shoes that you can’t walk in? Grab a pair of trendy heels or those adorable boots that seem to scream “fashion icon” but actually whisper “I’ll regret this in 10 minutes.” Nothing says “I’m ready for the day” like hobbling around in pain while pretending you’re having the time of your life.

Accessories You’ll Forget

Finally, don’t forget the accessories! Pile on some chunky necklaces and oversized earrings that weigh more than your actual dreams. Because nothing completes a look like a headache, am I right? And let’s not even talk about the practicalities—who needs pockets when you can carry a tiny handbag that fits just your keys and a credit card?

Don't forget the puffy shirt.

Truly...an essential.